I just wanted to thank everyone for their willingness to read my story on my "Mother Had A Secret" blog and for all of the beautiful comments. I am surprised at how quickly everyone is responding. It is amazing to me that there are so many of you who have experienced similar things. What is it about our society that makes us feel ashamed to share the very things that have helped define who we are. I am not saying that our past defines us, I believe it is the choices we make along the way that make us who we are, but our choices are based, in part, on our past experiences. If it wasn't for the experiences I had in my childhood, I wouldn't have had to rely so much on God to get me through. Is it possible that I would not have had the testimony I have today that God does exist, had I not experienced the difficulty of my childhood. It is very possible and it is because of this that we should never be afraid to share our experiences with others. It is in the sharing that we understand one another and realize that we really aren't that different after all.
I am surprised at how many people who have been good friends of mine, read my story and then proceed to tell me their own childhood stories. The similarities are astounding. They share experiences that have never before been shared between us. Instead of shame and fear that the secret will be revealed, there is now understanding, respect, and a sense of awe that they have been able to come through such a difficult experience still believing in God and his plan for them. We all have our trials but we are not expected to bare them alone. If there was a little less judgment, a little less fear, and a little more understanding, we would all be able to purge ourselves of our past and heal the wounds that continue to keep us silent.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Discipline
This post is for Joy. Now that I actually have people reading this blog, I should probably actually write on it. Joy asked where the parenting advice was so today I decided to write about how we discipline our children. Having five small children, all under the age of seven, we have been hard-pressed to find a discipline strategy that works for all of them, across the board. We read about many different strategies but decided to make our own loosely based on some of the principles we learned.
First of all, we went to the store and bought some craft rocks (I am not a crafty person so I am not sure of the proper name for these, but my girls call them gems; you know, the pretty shimmery rocks crafty people put in vases:). We also bought each of our children a small clear container. When we came home, each child decorated their own container with their name and we placed them on the entertainment center. We started by giving each child five rocks. Throughout the day, they then have the chance to earn more rocks. By the same token, they also loose rocks for bad behavior. Let me give you an example:
My seven year old, Cayden, gets rocks for completing his school work, for reading a chapter in his chapter book, and for doing his chores. I also give him rocks throughout the day when I see him choosing the right, like when he helps his sister make her bed, or lets his brother play with his favorite toy. By the same token, he gets rocks taken away when he makes bad choices, like when he talks back to me, when he refuses to go to sleep at bedtime, or when he hurts one of his siblings (whichever sibling was the victim of the attack, gets the rock that Cayden lost for hitting). In this way, Cayden learns that if he chooses the right, he gets rewarded for it and if he chooses the wrong, there will be consequences.
My two year old, Jocelyn, also receives rocks, but for different things. She gets rocks when she goes pee pee in the potty, when she takes a nap, and when she helps set the table and picks up her toys. She also gets rocks when I see her making good choices like giving her sister her pacifier, sharing her toys, or playing nicely. She also looses rocks when she makes bad choices, like getting out of bed at bedtime, hitting her sister, or having an accident in her underwear. You may think that she doesn't know what's going on because she is so young, but she is very much aware. She loves the "jewels" that she gets and when I threaten to take one away, she immediately changes her behavior. It is amazing.
Once the technique is put into place, it is truly remarkable how well it works. At church, when my children are unruly, all I have to do is threaten that they will lose a rock, and they correct their bad behavior (I also reward each of them with up to three rocks when they make it through church without completely driving the spirit away:). It is amazing at how important it is for them to earn those rocks.
The reason it is so important to them is because once their container is filled with rocks, they each get five dollars. We counted it out and it would take them a little over a month to fill their containers, depending on how many they lost from bad choices. That means that we are spending $25 a month, which is something we can afford. Now the reward doesn't have to be money, it can be a trip to McDonalds, a picnic at the park, or a new toy. We gave our children a choice and they wanted the money so that's what works for us. It is really great to allow the children to be involved in the process and help make the rules and rewards because we have found that they are more willing to follow the rules because they are the ones who helped make them. It also allows us to remind them when they start disobeying that they were the ones that helped make the rules in the first place:).
I know if you try this method, you will be amazed at the results. There's an immediate reward for good behavior and an immediate consequence for bad behavior as well as an overall goal for them to work towards. To be honest, at first, I was questioning doing this because I did not want to feel like I was bribing my children to do their schoolwork and chores, but my husband, Sean helped me understand it better. He told me that adults get paid for the work they do and that most of them wouldn't do their job if they weren't being paid for it. By the same token, we are teaching our children those principles that will allow them to function in the real world when they become adults. We shouldn't expect them do just do what we say without rewarding them for their efforts. If we wouldn't expect it from adults, why do we expect more from our children. I am not saying we should reward our children for every little thing that they do, but I am saying that when they understand that good things happen when they make good choices, and bad things happen when they make bad choices, then they are more likely to make good choices when we are not around to see it.
First of all, we went to the store and bought some craft rocks (I am not a crafty person so I am not sure of the proper name for these, but my girls call them gems; you know, the pretty shimmery rocks crafty people put in vases:). We also bought each of our children a small clear container. When we came home, each child decorated their own container with their name and we placed them on the entertainment center. We started by giving each child five rocks. Throughout the day, they then have the chance to earn more rocks. By the same token, they also loose rocks for bad behavior. Let me give you an example:
My seven year old, Cayden, gets rocks for completing his school work, for reading a chapter in his chapter book, and for doing his chores. I also give him rocks throughout the day when I see him choosing the right, like when he helps his sister make her bed, or lets his brother play with his favorite toy. By the same token, he gets rocks taken away when he makes bad choices, like when he talks back to me, when he refuses to go to sleep at bedtime, or when he hurts one of his siblings (whichever sibling was the victim of the attack, gets the rock that Cayden lost for hitting). In this way, Cayden learns that if he chooses the right, he gets rewarded for it and if he chooses the wrong, there will be consequences.
My two year old, Jocelyn, also receives rocks, but for different things. She gets rocks when she goes pee pee in the potty, when she takes a nap, and when she helps set the table and picks up her toys. She also gets rocks when I see her making good choices like giving her sister her pacifier, sharing her toys, or playing nicely. She also looses rocks when she makes bad choices, like getting out of bed at bedtime, hitting her sister, or having an accident in her underwear. You may think that she doesn't know what's going on because she is so young, but she is very much aware. She loves the "jewels" that she gets and when I threaten to take one away, she immediately changes her behavior. It is amazing.
Once the technique is put into place, it is truly remarkable how well it works. At church, when my children are unruly, all I have to do is threaten that they will lose a rock, and they correct their bad behavior (I also reward each of them with up to three rocks when they make it through church without completely driving the spirit away:). It is amazing at how important it is for them to earn those rocks.
The reason it is so important to them is because once their container is filled with rocks, they each get five dollars. We counted it out and it would take them a little over a month to fill their containers, depending on how many they lost from bad choices. That means that we are spending $25 a month, which is something we can afford. Now the reward doesn't have to be money, it can be a trip to McDonalds, a picnic at the park, or a new toy. We gave our children a choice and they wanted the money so that's what works for us. It is really great to allow the children to be involved in the process and help make the rules and rewards because we have found that they are more willing to follow the rules because they are the ones who helped make them. It also allows us to remind them when they start disobeying that they were the ones that helped make the rules in the first place:).
I know if you try this method, you will be amazed at the results. There's an immediate reward for good behavior and an immediate consequence for bad behavior as well as an overall goal for them to work towards. To be honest, at first, I was questioning doing this because I did not want to feel like I was bribing my children to do their schoolwork and chores, but my husband, Sean helped me understand it better. He told me that adults get paid for the work they do and that most of them wouldn't do their job if they weren't being paid for it. By the same token, we are teaching our children those principles that will allow them to function in the real world when they become adults. We shouldn't expect them do just do what we say without rewarding them for their efforts. If we wouldn't expect it from adults, why do we expect more from our children. I am not saying we should reward our children for every little thing that they do, but I am saying that when they understand that good things happen when they make good choices, and bad things happen when they make bad choices, then they are more likely to make good choices when we are not around to see it.
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